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This is NOT an RPG!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

6:04PM - Where are you, my love, my life?

I miss you.

I need you. 

i only want to hold you again, my Elrond. You were...you were my LOVE, my life, i need you once more.

but that day of hope for your embrace is long long gone.

The most i can do is locate my little children--OUR little children.

It is ALL i can do, as i essentially broke your heart with  my passing.

will i ever find you, Elrond?


Current mood: all alone

Friday, April 21, 2006

7:25PM - Elrond of The Sea?

elouai's doll maker 3

Current mood: *sigh*

7:16PM - for glorfi

elouai's doll maker 3

Hope you like it!!!!


Current mood: artistic

5:53PM - something i wrote that is important.

Long and boring, don't read if you get bored easily by Elves, love or depressing thoughtsCollapse )

Sail away, sail away, sail away...


Current mood: sail away sail away sail away.

12:54PM - hurting inside...

my dear friends, i hurt inside....

like crazy.

why can't i find Elrond???

true, there ARE Elrond LJ's on here but THEY'RE ALL FANFREEKS AND RPG's. I AM NOT PLAYING GAMES.

And they would just tell me, Go away you crazy freak.

i ache for him, i truly do. I wake up cooing to my pillow "Good morning, my baby," almost feeling his soft lips on my cheek and ears and mouth.

But it's all in my head.

It's just in my mind.

And it hurts....

Forgive me, all of you.

I'm nothing but a bother...


Current mood: under pressure...


I learn to work the saxophone
And i play just what i feel
Drink scotch whiskey all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
And i got a name when i lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues...
Deacon Blues...

i'm ok


Current mood: ok

Thursday, April 20, 2006


i am going to slit my wrists. i can't stand life without Elrond.



Current mood: suicidal

6:42PM - why?

My career life is going down the tubes.

I got phished.

A "company" called "Impact" emailed me, claiming to want me to be a talent scout. I just wanted to be a housekeeper and PUT THAT ON MY FUCKING RESUME.

So i fell for this whole thing, got excited, hook line and sinker.

I thought finally i had found something. One maid-service company after another had turned me down, all cos i CAN'T DRIVE.

And you know what?



Now i have nothing against arabs, but...this is too much.

I have been shit on too much.


I can't find Elrond either...

so life sucks.

I don't know why i'm here, i want to die, i really do.

Don't any of you all care?

None of you ever email me or talk to me. It just seems like you all don't care.

i felt like slitting my wrists today. it took all my strength to not do so.

So i have this to say: life is pain. NOTHING BUT PAIN.


Current mood: pain

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

6:34PM - Two websites that make me cry




I have nothing left to give but love
Nothing left to lose but hope
Nothing left at all...


6:32PM - nothing kills like a broken heart...

And when you die, nobody remembers you
Nobody cares
Nobody needs you
Nobody wants you
Nobody ever wants you back


9:20AM - no hope left...

i feel no hope left.

i don't feel anything left to hope FOR.

So i guess there's nothing left to lose.

When you've lost it all, what else is there TO lose?


Monday, April 17, 2006

1:55PM - Till now, always got by on my own...


I found this site when just looking up "real Elves" on www.yahoo.com

It's all for real.

I know it.

Lee's Scandinavian (Dutch on her father's, Norway on her mother's) in descent on both sides, but has some Celtic on both sides too (Scotland and Ireland on her mothers, Wales on her fathers).

That's just Lee. But the Scandinavian is prevalent.


I just wish i could be with Elrond...

i cried this morning. really hard.

really hard.


and nobody here seems to care.

I seem to not be getting any comments anymore.

maybe nobody cares anymore...

"A promise lives within you now"

yeah right. if a promise lived within me, then WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I FULFILL IT?????

Maybe i'm not meant to be anything but a LOSER.

I hate myself. and nobody cares.


Current mood: dead

Sunday, April 16, 2006

8:15PM - i can't live with or without you...

Your eyes give away your emotions
And i wish i could hold you now
because you are my life
my world my soul
and who knows what i'd do for you
because you are my life...

i feel kind of lonely on here tonight. Nobody to talk to.

Lee's mum is watching Star Trek. BLEH.

I want to be loved.

i was just listening to U2 "With or Without you" hence the subject title. if i could be with anyone now, i'd be with Elrond, or at least with...

oh forget it.

Who cares about me?


I don't think i'm worth it.

and i'm tired of it all.

sometimes, when its all said and done, i want to end it, but then i remember a few people who care about me, a few who don't judge me the way Lee's parent's do.

The few who know i exist (Nothing? are you out there?) do seem to care, or at least they SEEM to.

I think that i am going to go to bed.

Current mood: lonely

4:32PM - a promise lives within you now....

I really don't know what to say.

I feel like something AWFUL is about to happen.

AWFUL. Like a friend is about to leave me.

Whatever. Maybe it's my imagination...

but i feel like shit. Am i really that bad off?

I tried loading up on candy, but it just gave me a belly ache, and nobody emails me.

Email me someone. leiavz85 at yahoo dot com

I feel like crying...or dying.

I tried cleaning the bathroom, as I applied for Merry Maids, or rather DisCin did, but i still feel like crap. And nobody seems to notice or care. WHAT IS SO FUCKED UP WITH ME?

I mean, i don't care to curse but i'm so darn sick of being alone. What the hell is wrong with me that i can't be loved?

is it the fact that i am trapped in a mortal body?

is it the mortal body's appearance?

WHAT IS IT???????

Please tell me....

i am ready to throw in the towel and head for the hospital since i am so tempted to cut.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


May it be
An evening star
Shines down
Upon you

May it be
When darkness falls
Your heart
Will be true

You walk along a road
Oh how far you are from home

Mornië utúlië [Quenya: 'Darkness has come']
Believe and you
Will find your way

Mornië alantië [Quenya: 'Darkness has fallen']
A promise lives
Within you now

May it be
The shadow's call
Will fly away

May it be
A journey on
To light the day

When the night is all gone
You may rise
To find the sun

Mornië utúlië [Quenya: 'Darkness has come']
Believe and you
Will find your way

Mornië alantië [Quenya: 'Darkness has fallen']
A promise lives
Within you now

A promise lives
Within you now...

i feel so alone...

and i want to cry...

and i feel dead inside.

DOESN'T ANYONE CARE?????????????????

or is it just...

Dear netjeru don't let me cut....

I admit I am not a good person. Maybe that's why i can't find my love.

nothing can change this....


Current mood: the end of all things

5:46PM - happy Easter. Here's a dose of truth.

Easter is not a Christian holiday. PERIOD.

But what is its origins, if it's not Christian?

There are origins to the symbols of the Christian and Catholic Paschal symbols, such as the lily, and even the non-religious symbols like the egg.

Easter Lily

The word lily has the same stem as lilitu which has a double meaning or pun: a)a lotus or the symbol of the female genitals, or b)the "demon" Lilith, or truly Goddess Lilith. In Crete the "Easter" lily was domesticated by the Minoans long before the Jews ever came into existence. The Minoans worshipped the Great Goddess who was Queen of Heaven and Earth, Lady of the Beasts--Cybele, Astarte, Inanna, Ishtar, Diana, Sekhmet (my Netjeru mum).

The Egg

Astarte was seen as the "Egg of the World"--ie She was the Mother of all things. Simple enough?

Well, keep reading.

Astarte was deified into a dove later on. (Think of the symbol of the Holy Spirit.) Other Goddesses deified into birds: Aset (Isis)--kite/sparrowhawk, Aphrodite (dove), Athena (owl), Lilith (owl), Uadjat (Buto)--vulture, Blodeuwydd--owl, etcetcetc...

The Name of Easter

Easter has a similar root with several words in multiple languages. Including Quenya Elvish!!!!

Astarte (Chaldaean/Neo-Babylonian)--Goddess
Ishtar (Babylonian)--Goddess
Istari (Quenya Elvish)--the word for wizards
Eastern or east (English)--the direction in which the sun rises.
Eostra (Gaelic/Celtic)--Goddess
SO ....

What is the REAL meaning of Easter?

We'll never know.

Current mood: WoWoWoWoW!!!!!

9:09AM - wash the dog, make some Easter baskets, comment on the Geography board and BLAH BLAH BLAH...

Well, not much new.

I woke up crying last night in the middle of an orgasm (sorry, but it's true!!!!)(i apologize to all those who don't want to hear about my dreams of my long gone husband) and just couldn't stop crying.

It felt empty. I woke up after a dream of Elrond.

Wow. The dream was so powerful, i was screaming out loud in my sleep.


Yaaay! We're having an Easter egg hunt, with me and the dog. WHEEEEE!!!

I am soooo delighted. I heart Easter, and i'm getting a huge basket. I don't particularly care for the religious part, just the pagan based Ostara inspired parts. Did you know that the Kemetic (ancient Egyptian) peoples would wrap eggs in lotus petals and palm leaves and dip them in boiling water, for their spring equinox? And they did that in the Celtic lands too. The Duirwydds I mean. And looooonnnng before the Easter lily was a symbol of the Virgin Mary it was a symbol of the Ancient Minoan Goddess on the isle of Crete.


I'm so happy.


Current mood: easter!

Friday, April 14, 2006

11:16AM - like death to be without you....


It’s a new day, and I feel lonely….

I just wish I were with Elrond.

I felt like dying yesterday. Did I mention, I actually was cutting a few days/weeks ago?

Not that I’m proud of it, because I am NOT.

I feel sad that I have to resort to physical pain to numb the sorrow and grief.

It hurts like death to be without him…


Why can't i find you?

why is it that we are apart?????????

why my dear Netjeru??????????


Am i putting up with this pain for zilch?


Thursday, April 13, 2006

6:58PM - how do you like this?

elouai's doll maker 3

made it at my fave Doll site.


Current mood: :)


i got goth clothes too btw.


that's the highlight of the day.


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